Bob ~ The Twilight Hours

Bob turned up Christmas 2016, discovered by Ted, my wing-man at the time (Ted was a legend dog). He was a walking skeleton, bald over his head and neck, his body covered in mange. And yet he purred, and was, in his own way, friendly. It turned out he was microchipped, and while the owner was  sadly deceased, the chip gave me his name and told me he was nine years old.

Now eighteen, and living his last days in his earth walk, I am profoundly grateful to have shared the past nine years with this amazing and beautiful soul. At one stage affectionately nicknamed ‘The Titanic’, Bob would eat ANYTHING he could get his mouth to (dog, cat, even human food!).

Called ‘what a sweetie’ by more than one vet, as they struggled to hear his heart beneath the thunder of his purr. I thought it was his time almost a year ago, but he pulled through and gifted us another year – one in which he has enjoyed warm wood fires, chillaxing in the sun and food … always food!

Friendly with the the dogs – in fact, I’ve often called him a cat-dog – as some of his behaviours are more aligned with his canine brothers. He has been an open welcomer to guests at the house, to what has clearly been his domain, gradually gathering an army of ‘Bob lovers’.

And so here we are, in the twilight of his life. Nearing the end of his life walk.

Grief visits often now

Grief visits often now, as I prepare for his final moments. Tears, memories, prayers, hope, acceptance all play a role. Finding balance along the tightrope walk, this space between holding on and letting go, is very much a roller coaster. One I am only too familiar with.

I say the end, knowing in truth it’s never an end, just a transition into a different energy form. But to the human part of me, it is an end, an end to the physical. No more cuddles. No more early morning breakfast demands. No more rolls on the grass with Bob the wondercat.

As one learns to live with and ride the waves of emotion, you accept that the pain doesn’t last forever. When you allow yourself to feel your way through the discomfort, the sadness, the distress, you will come out the other end and be free to experience presence, peace, acceptance, and memories held with love.

I’m through the stage of disbelief, of hoping for a miracle. And I’m now accepting of the inevitable – the final breath, which will come to us all. The challenge lies in keeping him comfortable on a daily basis, on an hourly basis, understanding that the physical condition now challenging him is unlikely to to take him. Knowing that, in the end, the timing of that call will rest with me.

My animals are my family. From a very young age I retreated into nature for safety and regulation, and each individual has a piece of my heart. Their love is unconditional, their acceptance of me as I am – exactly as I am – unwavering. Their individual characters and personalities so distinct and beautiful.

This stage of life is never easy, and although I have been here too many times, it is always a unique experience and one I don’t claim to enjoy.

But my commitment to them to the end, is no different to their loyalty throughout their time with me and I am vulnerable, real and compassionate as needed.

To Bob, who has graced so many with his presence, offered so much love (and will continue to do so), thank you for finding us. Thank you for being such an integral part of our family.

You are loved. Always.

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